ogawa's Diaryland Diary

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I keep thinking, well, no, that�s not the right word.
I keep obsessing.
He keeps speaking, he is never quiet, and all I can do is cry.

V:
What�s up, M?
You haven�t had enough?
Ugly, stupid girl.
Who the FUCK do you think you are, huh, M?
You think I�ll let you live?
Forget it!
You are too weak, too pathetic.
Without me, you would be dead.
Remember that.

M:
What?
How is that possible?
You, who�ve tried to kill me so many times?!
And you�ve got the nerve to tell me *I�m* alive, because of *you*?
Piss off.

V:
HAHA! Oh really, bitch?
I AM THE REASON U SURVIVED MONSTER!
You should start thanking me, stupid girl.
I hurt you, every time I knew HE was going to hurt you, so you would win.
He could never harm you.
Because I hurt you first.
And that�s how you survived.
Your hatred towards him kept you alive, hatred I helped create.
Where would you be without your anger?
Have you ever thought about that, dear M?

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I don�t know.
I don�t owe you my life, I don�t owe you anything so why don�t you just leave?
Leave me alone.
I am not the same girl you made a deal with.
I�m all grown up and I know what I�m doing, I don�t need your pity.
You claim you are the only one who cares about me, but you hate me!
Now how is that logical?
You make me cry every day.
You make me feel suicidal at least twice a day.
You tried to push N away, but he defied you.
I am not scared of you anymore!
Yeah, well maybe you make me upset sometimes and you make me cry but I will never hand over my soul to you!
And I believe, I really do, that someday, *SOME DAY*, you won�t be in my head.
I won�t hear you.
I don�t know if it will happen in this life, but maybe if God thinks I�m worthy enough to not be thrown in hell, you won�t have any more power over me.
Maybe then I�ll be free.
It doesn�t matter, I won�t surrender to you.
I love N too much.
That�s basically how you gain power over me, you always say something bad will happen to him and that I will be left alone in this world.
But you know what?
I don�t care.
You cannot predict the future.
Anything can happen.
But it doesn�t mean you know.
You don�t know anything.

I am just so tired.
All I want is for a day to go by without me having a panic attack because of you.
I am not ashamed to admit you influence me.
You can make my life a living hell but only if I let you.
And I�m trying, trying so hard to just survive.
Survive without doing something stupid.
I am an impulsive person, I am unpredictable, and I get these �urges� to harm myself/kill myself but I know that�s just you trying to trick me.
But you know what?
I�ll survive.
I always have.
I�m surviving.

Because I�m a survivor.

11:40 p.m. - 2013-03-17

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